After a process of absolutely no consultation with anyone whatsoever and about ten minutes thought here’s my plan for London.
The congestion charge zone to be grassed over and populated by herds of municipal goats
Abolition of all private property and relaxing of planning regulations to allow people to construct Yurts wherever they deem fit
The office of Mayor to be combined with that of Official Fool with the uniform of office to be the appropriate attire of an Idiot (i.e. large pointy shoes, jester’s hat etc.) and worn at all times
Dr. Johnson’s birthday to be made a public holiday
The recovery of London’s lost rivers of the Fleet, the St. Clement’s, the Walbrook, The Langbourne, the Oldbourne, the Effra, the Ravensbourne, and the Hackney Brook with the digging up of roads etc. where necessary
Scrap the Olympic bid and instead hold an international festival of Mumming, Mocking and Lampoonery
All cafes meeting the “Classic Café’s” criteria to be given Grade 1 listing and all licensed premises to be legally obliged to sell at least two varieties of Real Ale
An annual parade of the ‘Mocking of The Rich’ with the unfortunates of the city to lead a procession through Mayfair, Belgravia, Knightsbridge, Kensington and Chelsea
Land set aside for the cultivation of marijuana and opium poppies to deal with the capital’s drug related crime problem. Offenders to be given the task of tending the fields and looking after the goats (making sure they don’t scoff the crops)
Please don’t vote for me, bourgeois democracy changes nothing. As our mayor Mr Livingstone said himself; “If voting changed anything they’d abolish it.”
Monday, May 31, 2004
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
FIVE WAYS TO SAVE THE WORLD
1. Use a goat to cut your grass, dispose of household waste, provide milk and when it starts to get old and useless eat it. Share a goat with a neighbour or even the whole street. Why not start a ‘Neighbourhood Goat Scheme.’
2. Travel to work on a Space Hopper. This cuts down on greenhouse gas emissions and keeps you fit. Its also fun, you’ll be fitter and happier, less likely to be a burden on the Health System and more pleasant to live and work with.
3. Don’t vote. It only encourages politicians and makes them think that they have some kind of mandate to drop bombs on people.
4. House swap with an Afghan (if you can find one with a house still standing). Afghanistan enjoys a pleasant climate with hot summers and crisp cool winters. Employment prospects for English speakers are good due to the large military presence which is likely to be there for some time. There are also plenty of goats (although there are no figures of goat fatalities caused by the recent conflict) – see point 1. Also think of how happy you’ll be able to make an Afghan family who can come and live in the country that bombed them out of a home.
5. Pie a prominent public figure. Shoving a pie, (it needn’t be custard) into the face of politician, industrialist, right-wing journalist, reality TV host etc can be incredibly rewarding and quite amusing, its also far more effective than voting. Also, baking your own pie is very therapeutic and makes your kitchen smell nice. Invite some friends to join you, it helps build community spirit – see ‘Neighbourhood Goat Scheme.’
2. Travel to work on a Space Hopper. This cuts down on greenhouse gas emissions and keeps you fit. Its also fun, you’ll be fitter and happier, less likely to be a burden on the Health System and more pleasant to live and work with.
3. Don’t vote. It only encourages politicians and makes them think that they have some kind of mandate to drop bombs on people.
4. House swap with an Afghan (if you can find one with a house still standing). Afghanistan enjoys a pleasant climate with hot summers and crisp cool winters. Employment prospects for English speakers are good due to the large military presence which is likely to be there for some time. There are also plenty of goats (although there are no figures of goat fatalities caused by the recent conflict) – see point 1. Also think of how happy you’ll be able to make an Afghan family who can come and live in the country that bombed them out of a home.
5. Pie a prominent public figure. Shoving a pie, (it needn’t be custard) into the face of politician, industrialist, right-wing journalist, reality TV host etc can be incredibly rewarding and quite amusing, its also far more effective than voting. Also, baking your own pie is very therapeutic and makes your kitchen smell nice. Invite some friends to join you, it helps build community spirit – see ‘Neighbourhood Goat Scheme.’
Sunday, May 09, 2004
THE G.A.D.A.F.I MANIFESTO
We have toiled within the narrow frameworks of political debate laid out by party politics and propounded by the media
We have been numbed by the inane-ness and banality of TV and multiplex cinema
We have marched, protested, squatted and written angry letters of complaint
Taking our inspiration from the minstrels who defeated the mighty Burgundian army at Berne and demonstrated that buffoonery will always be victorious against repression.
THIS IS OUR RESPONSE…..
1. We believe in the overthrow of the current political order. Parliamentary democracy has resolutely failed and become an agent of war and destruction
2. Money, religion, work, commerce and leisure are all slaves to the Molochs of Capitalism and Imperialism. We oppose them in all their manifestations
3. We advocate the use of Comedy Terrorism in order to achieve our aims
4. We are the Comedy Chemotherapy that kills Corporate Cancer. We are clowns using Idiocy to tackle oppression. We are the Harlequins of the revolution
5. To engage with the existing political order in reasoned debate is to legitimise it. Where others debate and argue we mock and lampoon. Our laughter will shame them
6. We believe that 500 clowns wearing red noses and oversized shoes could defeat a whole battalion of tanks and helicopter gun-ships
7. We believe it is possible to be funny and be right
8. Satirists preach to the converted. G.A.D.A.F.I aim to subvert the masses
9. The global imperial ambitions of the ‘The New American Century’ can be defeated with irony. The American military machine has no response to Ironic Dissent
10. We are inspired by: the Minstrels of Berne, The Mummers of England, Italian jongleurs of the Middle Ages, Lenny Bruce, Dario Fo, The Simpsons and South Park, Jackass, The Biotic Baking Brigade, Ralph Steadman and Steve Bell, and the experience of The Soapbox Cabaret
We have been numbed by the inane-ness and banality of TV and multiplex cinema
We have marched, protested, squatted and written angry letters of complaint
Taking our inspiration from the minstrels who defeated the mighty Burgundian army at Berne and demonstrated that buffoonery will always be victorious against repression.
THIS IS OUR RESPONSE…..
1. We believe in the overthrow of the current political order. Parliamentary democracy has resolutely failed and become an agent of war and destruction
2. Money, religion, work, commerce and leisure are all slaves to the Molochs of Capitalism and Imperialism. We oppose them in all their manifestations
3. We advocate the use of Comedy Terrorism in order to achieve our aims
4. We are the Comedy Chemotherapy that kills Corporate Cancer. We are clowns using Idiocy to tackle oppression. We are the Harlequins of the revolution
5. To engage with the existing political order in reasoned debate is to legitimise it. Where others debate and argue we mock and lampoon. Our laughter will shame them
6. We believe that 500 clowns wearing red noses and oversized shoes could defeat a whole battalion of tanks and helicopter gun-ships
7. We believe it is possible to be funny and be right
8. Satirists preach to the converted. G.A.D.A.F.I aim to subvert the masses
9. The global imperial ambitions of the ‘The New American Century’ can be defeated with irony. The American military machine has no response to Ironic Dissent
10. We are inspired by: the Minstrels of Berne, The Mummers of England, Italian jongleurs of the Middle Ages, Lenny Bruce, Dario Fo, The Simpsons and South Park, Jackass, The Biotic Baking Brigade, Ralph Steadman and Steve Bell, and the experience of The Soapbox Cabaret
Labels:
manifesto,
russell brand