Monday, May 31, 2004

Manifesto for Mayor of London

After a process of absolutely no consultation with anyone whatsoever and about ten minutes thought here’s my plan for London.

The congestion charge zone to be grassed over and populated by herds of municipal goats

Abolition of all private property and relaxing of planning regulations to allow people to construct Yurts wherever they deem fit

The office of Mayor to be combined with that of Official Fool with the uniform of office to be the appropriate attire of an Idiot (i.e. large pointy shoes, jester’s hat etc.) and worn at all times

Dr. Johnson’s birthday to be made a public holiday

The recovery of London’s lost rivers of the Fleet, the St. Clement’s, the Walbrook, The Langbourne, the Oldbourne, the Effra, the Ravensbourne, and the Hackney Brook with the digging up of roads etc. where necessary

Scrap the Olympic bid and instead hold an international festival of Mumming, Mocking and Lampoonery

All cafes meeting the “Classic Café’s” criteria to be given Grade 1 listing and all licensed premises to be legally obliged to sell at least two varieties of Real Ale

An annual parade of the ‘Mocking of The Rich’ with the unfortunates of the city to lead a procession through Mayfair, Belgravia, Knightsbridge, Kensington and Chelsea

Land set aside for the cultivation of marijuana and opium poppies to deal with the capital’s drug related crime problem. Offenders to be given the task of tending the fields and looking after the goats (making sure they don’t scoff the crops)

Please don’t vote for me, bourgeois democracy changes nothing. As our mayor Mr Livingstone said himself; “If voting changed anything they’d abolish it.”

1 comment:

Punk Kittye said...

May I use this plan for the city of Los Angeles as well? I do love the Yurts idea most of all!