Saturday, August 23, 2003


The US and UK forces have so far been unable to find any WMD in Iraq but the UK appears to be awash with them. Maybe they’ve been looking in the wrong place all along.
For any prospective weapons inspector, despotic regime or international terrorists, here’s a brief guide to Weapons of Mass Destruction in the UK.

1. Faslane Naval Base
Sadam’s Scuds may have gone rusty but the UK has some of the finest Nukes money can buy. And there’s no carting these guys around on clapped out pick-ups Britain’s Trident missiles glide around the globe in state of the art submarines.

2. RAF Brize Norton
They’ve got Tornados, Hawks, Harriers, Blackhawks, the odd B52 in the mating season and if you’re really lucky you’ll catch a Stealth stopping off on its way to more exotic climes.

3. Defence Systems and Equipment International Arms Fair (DSEi)
This is an annual jamboree for all those who produce and procure weird and wonderful ways to blow people to bits or torture them slowly. There really is something for everyone at this arms expo taking place this September in London.
You may not be able to find a canister of sarin gas but you’ll certainly be able to pick up some daisy-cutter bombs which are much more reliable when it comes to dishing out death and destruction. What’s more you’ll be able to rub shoulders with representatives of some of the most repressive regimes in the world. Remember, today’s client is tomorrows rogue state.

4. Atomic Weapons Establishment Aldermaston
The centre of Britain’s nuclear weapons industry since the 1950s they’ve seen it all here, from the heady days of the cold war to the current climate of free enterprise in the nuclear sector. If you’re after warheads these are the fellas, they’ve knocked out Chevaline, We177 and Trident in their time and will undoubtedly do a bit of custom-made work.

5. Porton Down
They’ve been in the Chemical and Biological weapons game for 85 years down at Porton Down. Once famous for their phosgene, chlorine and mustard gas they can confidently lay claim to having gassed the Iraqi Kurds before Sadam Hussein was even born. Porton was also once home to the late ‘Chemical’ David Kelly so get down there quick before more of their employees end up dead in the woods.

Pretty much any military base in the UK has some form of WMD although they don’t always call them that. A depleted uranium tipped shell is just as effective against a civilian population as a dose of anthrax, probably more so when you think that a gas mask aint a lot of good against a cluster bomb.

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